Fake Moral

I have been watching this movie, the impossible the one about the tsunami, and I could not stop crying since the first five minutes. It is this kind of movie which moves everything inside you and it makes you think about everything. It is real, it is happen and we all saw it in the news during almost one week. We saw in live how people where climbing trees trying to hold their life. I think all of us can remember who were with us that day, but maybe if we think about the 11-s we can even remember more. I was about to say that it was the same, when suddenly I don’t have thing so clear as I had on the 11-s.It can be one of the main reason EEUU is one the biggest world potential. The big one attacks for a group of terrorist make more movements on us than one natural disaster that cause more deard. Why? Maybe all countries who were supporting them, shit on their pants seeing that they also were threatened. The big one attack for one country that at that moment for most of us was unrecognized. Our minds are not capable to think that we can be part of a natural disaster, and only those things happen in another part of the world that it is too far from us and cannot contribute us any benefit in the future. It is like that, we are not talking about humanity, and the human being as the important thing, we are talking about business when we talk about world. It is like you have money I can get something for you, I help you, you don’t have money, I cannot get anything for you who care. Money is what is save us for the end of the world, for the natural disasters and whatever. Let´s say that Africa find petrol and that they have more petrol than no one, oh guys be ready to see how every single country is moving their asses to try to get something from then or to say now that they have weapons of mass destruction. Now everybody will want to be friend of Africa. But anyway, what this movie has produce on me one more time is about how I can help but at the same time how we easily forget about these thing and we do not move any finger, we say some beautiful words that make us feel better person. Not only about tsunami, people around the world are suffering any kind of issues, starting from poverty, abuses and we look to another place. We talk about that about five minutes becoming emotional, showing the rest of the people around us we care with this fake moral. The same fake moral I am having now, the one that is making me write about that and I will forget in one hour. We say that it is the culture and the education which make a country better, richer, and safer. Because when the human being have education can move the world. I am sorry if I am disagreeing with that. I am seeing in my country now how politics who are stealing money from the society, who have become rich while all of us we were blind, are not judged, however they get new positions. We have education right? we can see that they are stealing our money, and they do not get judge, how they became rich when the society was in crisis and I do not want to think about when we were wealthy and everybody were dumb. So we have all of that which moves the world, and what we do? Leave the power in people who are laughing about how ignorant and stupid we still are. We are in hands of people who are handling us a puppets, making us thing that we have the power to decide how the world, how our country is going to be. Bullshit! It is still happening, the same that happen since the beginning of the world, but the difference is like people know about that, but look to another place rather to act. Because it is easier look like stupid because anyway no one is reacting. It is not our problem it is always some else fault. Let´s still have this fake moral. That is how we work.

Values

I met this gentleman the other day at work; I call him gentleman because he was. You will know why as soon I start talking about him. He was regular but I never had the chance to have a long conversation with him. So the other day while he was waiting for the business centre to be free, he sat with me in my desk. We started talking about basic things, what was he doing here, what kind of business, etc. Then he got to the point that he was waiting for the computer to be free to send an email to his family, kids and wife and he putted a big smile in his face I could say that even his eyes were shiny. During all this time I know him, he seemed to me a serious business man, maybe because of his moustache, kind of shy but really polite and thankful gentleman. Anyways all the conversation went to the point that he was married for 37 years and he was still in love as the beginning. And believe me when I say that all this words were totally true. His face, his eyes, his lips talked from him, and I could breathe a bit of that love that he was feeling. My parents are also married for so long and it is something that I admire so much. Furthermore he went through to how they met, what she does, where they live, what they have built together, 2 girls and one boy that he had, how they are building their life, about the grandchildren he has. And seriously for one moment I thought that maybe true love, love forever in some cases still alive in my parents and people like him… Working facing guest and man have showed me what is the value that a wife, a kid can have in their life, you are used to have these flirty married man trying to get something with you, or whoever is in the way and they do not mind if next time they are bringing their kids, their wife or the same god. They just want to have someone warming their beds or other areas of their body. Then another day, this gentleman came to me, and we were talking about their kids and he started talking about the youngest one, a girl, casually the same age like me and he was saying what exactly my father say:” She is a good girl, but she is not thinking about boyfriends, she is really picky, all guys have something wrong”. I said to him that I totally understand her and I laugh. He said “you know guys, times have changed so much, I got married with 22 and by 25 I was already father of two kids, and I am not regretting of nothing what I did, I am proud, it is the best choice that I made in my life, and now you guys you do not get married until the 30s and who knows when are you going to be parents, the values have change so much”. And I have this old woman who works with me around the 60s, who was saying that if her husband was still alive she would still sleeping with him and having sex of course. And it is true my parents get married when they were 21 and 25 and after two years they have two kids, they were working, responsible of two kids and paying their own house. And I am 25 and I do not have boyfriend, I do not have my own house and who knows when I am going to be mother. Boyfriend, marriage and kids produced me chills. I am not able to pay my expenses how I am going to pay someone else expenses. And boyfriend, I do not know if I am able to fall in love, to don’t put sense in everything and to allow me to love someone as I love myself and do not think I am weak. Yes, the times have changed, values are not the same, and work is in the first position. But sometimes I would love to believe in those people, who talk about how wonderful is a life together, how love cannot have expired date and that get old together is beautiful. Those people who make me thing that beside all my negative points what in a relationship I am referring, love is real, love exist and I would like to feel that I love someone that much that I do not have enough air.

Foundations

Cuándo a pesar de tener mucha gente alrededor de ti y saber que ellos se preocupan por ti y te quieren, algunas veces te sigues sintiendo sólo. Pretendiendo ser indestructible la mayoría de las veces se hace imposible. Puedes crees que tú estás acostumbrado a no tener amor a tu alrededor y no estoy hablando de la palabra en sí. Estoy hablando de todo lo que esa palabra conlleva, caricias, besos, abrazos, protección, sentirte a salvo…Podría decir que soy tan independiente que puedo vivir sola, mis problemas, mis soluciones. Centrada en mis objetivos dejando otras cosas a parte. Muchas veces cubrimos cosas importantes con un estoy bien. Pero la verdad es que no estás bien y ut puedes seguir mintiéndote a ti mismo, no hablar sobre ello, al final de todo si tu solo hablas contigo mismo es como si las cosas realmente no pasaran. Es entre tú y tu mente. Días como estos días, que no son grises que son rojos, ves como la luz roja se va colando a través de la ventana y sí y hoy el tiempo se parece a tu alma. Está a punto de explotar pero manteniendo la calma, y sin embargo, no puedes evitar pensar en vida, futuro y cosas importantes. Estar lejos de la gente que realmente te preocupa y saber que ellos van a estar ahí todo el tiempo para ti, esos que mueven el mundo para hacerte feliz y si ellos siente que no lo eres, que estás enfermo, ellos pueden sentir tu enfermedad, tú tristeza y tiene el abrazo y la palabra mágica que te hace sentir en paz. Entonces es cuando piensas que quizás estás centrado en algo que quizás no te haga lo suficientemente feliz en un futuro o tal vez sí, pero siempre tendré en mente que pude pasar con mis padres y mi hermana y no lo hice. Porque primero estuve yo y bueno, ellos siempre iban a estar ahí. Y puede haber un día en el que ellos no lo estén ¿Me arrepentiré de no haber pasado la comida de domingo con ellos? La respuesta es absolutamente sí. La muerte ha estado acechando la mayor parte de mi vida, se lo primero que piensas cuando tu pierdes a esa persona, la palabra que tu pudiste decirles y no lo hiciste, el tiempo que pudiste pasar con ellos y no lo hiciste porque siempre hubo algo mejor que hacer en ese momento, y quizás no era el plan más divertido. Quizás esa podría ser la razón por la que yo tengo esa conexión con mi familia, porque se lo que es perder uno de los miembros y como levantarnos todos a una. Porque aunque pretenda ser un gigante ellos saben que soy una hormiga. Céntrate en tus objetivos, pero nunca te olvides de quien tienes alrededor. Ellos son la base de tu casa, sin esa base todo lo que construyas se destruirá.

Even when you have so many people around you and you know that they care about you and they love you, sometimes you still feeling alone. Pretending to be indestructible sometimes it is impossible. You can think that you are used to not have love around you, and I am not talking about the word, I am talking about what that word brings it. Touch, kisses, hugs, protection, home, safe… I could say that I am that independent person that can live alone, with my problems, my solutions. Focus on my goals, leaving other things a part. Important things that you cover many times with one I am ok, it is fine. But the true it is not fine, you can still lying at you, don’t talk about that, at the end if you just talk with yourself sometimes It is like things have not really happen. It is just between you and your mind. Days like these days that they are not grey days they are actually red, you can see how the red light is coming through the window and yes today the weather it is look like your soul. It is about to exploit but keeping calm however you cannot avoid think about life, future, important things. Being far away from people you really care and you know they are going to be there any time for you, those one that can move the world to make you feel happy and if they feel you are not, or you are sick, they can feel your sickness, your sadness and they can give you that hug or say don’t worry about it we are proud of you, we are here and we will always be, leave yourself more calm more in peace. So on you think maybe I am focus in something that it might not make me happy in the future or maybe yes, but I will always have in mind the time I could spend with my parents and sister and I did not. Because first of all it was me, and then well they will always be there. And might there will be a day I hope far away that they won´t. Will I probably regret for not spend happy lunch Sunday times in family? The answer it is absolutely yes, I will. I have dead surround me the majority of my life, I know the first thing you think when you lost that person, the word that you could say to them and you didn’t, the time that you could spend with them and you didn’t because there was always something better to do at that time, and maybe that plan wasn’t that funny. Maybe that could be the reason why I have that connection with my family because I know what it is lost one of the members and how to stand up all together all as one. Because even when I pretend to be like a giant they know that I am an ant. Focus on your goals, but never forget about people who are around you. They are the base of your house, if you don’t have the base everything you want to construct will collapse.

Friendships, relationships....

Have you ever felt that you have so many things in common with someone and then when feelings are over it is look like you do not have anything else to talk about it? I think this is really common for the human being. We start to fancy someone and it is look like we do not have enough hours in a day to talk. You talk to him when you wake up, when you have breakfast when you are leaving your place, when you are going to work, when you have a break, when you are getting change, when you are going to take the bus, when you are at home…and if someone ask you what are you talking about during all day? Your answer is we have so many things to talk about it. And think, not even with your best friend who you talk with a lot have so many things to tell her. I have to say that with whatsupp everyone is update it every single second, there are no excuses to not write someone with the funniest thing that just it has happened to you. But continuing the theme, you text this guy very often, he texted you as well, you talk about everything, you plan things to do, you cannot wait to see him next time, he starts to be part of you or for that circle of friends that you talk to when you need some support. And I think maybe for woman it is easiest to have one man nearby as we feel that protection that it is what we are looking for. Protection, someone who look after us, someone strongest than us or at least that he looks like. Weakness we girls have enough. At the end, the person you more feel like to talk for a while. One day feelings start to get over and conversations are shorter, sometimes you talk with regret with anger, because you are realizing that things are getting to the end. You try to keep that friendship, but the truth is that is a bit complicated, the 1000 words you have to say before are now reduce to monosyllables and even you miss that long conversations until late in the night, you know that never it is going to be the same. Sometimes you waste your time building relationships, because at the end when the feelings are over you lost all the interest for those things you were interesting in the past.

¿Has sentido alguna vez que tienes millones de cosas en común con alguien y cuando empiezas a dejar de sentir parece que no tienes nada de qué hablar? Creo que esto es muy común entre el ser humano. Cuando alguien empieza a gustarnos parece que el día no tiene suficientes horas para hablar. Tú hablas con él cuándo te levantas, cuando desayunas, cuando te vas a trabajar, cuando tienes un descanso, cuando te estás cambiando, cuando vas a coger el autobús, cuando llegas a casa…y si alguien te pregunta que de que hablais todo el día. Tu respuesta es tenemos muchas cosas de las que hablar. Y piensa, ni siquiera con tu mejor amiga, a esa que le cuentas todo tienes tantas cosas que contarle. Tengo que apuntar también que con esto del whatsupp todo el mundo está informado en todo momento, no hay excusas para no escribirle a alguien la cosa que tan divertida que te acaba de pasar. Pero continuando con el tema, tú le escribes a este chico muy a menudo y viceversa, hablando de todo, planeando cosas que hacer, impaciente por verlo otra vez y el empieza a formar parte de ti y de ese círculo de amigos al que escribes cuando necesitas un poco de apoyo. Y yo creo que quizás para una mujer es más fácil tener el apoyo de un hombre, sentir su protección, que al fin y al cabo es lo que vamos buscando protección, alguien que cuide de nosotras, alguien más fuerte que nosotras o que al menos lo parezca. Para débiles ya estamos nosotras. Al fin y al cabo, se convierte en la persona con la que tienes más ganas de hablar por un tiempo. Un día esos sentimientos comienzan a desaparecer y las conversaciones se hacen más cortas, hablas con arrepentimiento y rabia, porque te das cuenta que todo está llegando a su fin. Intentas salvar la amistad, pero la verdad es que es un poco complicado porque de las 1000 palabras que tenías que decir antes, ahora se han reducido a monosílabos y aunque tu eches de menos las conversaciones hasta las mil de la noche, eres consciente de que esto no va a pasar nunca más. Muchas veces malgastas tu tiempo construyendo relaciones, porque al final cuando tu dejas de sentir pierdes interés por todas aquellas cosas que te interesaban en el pasado.

Apparently yesterday was my 25th birthday, 25 years of life or what we call quarter century. I have so many things on my head, so many things to plan and change them. I am not anymore in my earliest 20th, I am nearly the 30th. I cannot waste my time and circling around. From now everything have consequences and all I get now I will have on my 30th. Certainly what I am most worry about it is my professional career, desire to grow up. From now I have one year to work in the field I like and work hard to develop it to get success. The number 25 make me think about that I am in this wonderful city, London for two years, when I arrived with my 22 years old, with nothing saying I have one month to find a job. All of these happen one 14th of September of 2010 and then few times later I was celebrating my 23 full of hope and desire to explore this city. Maybe personally I feel I have not change a lot and mostly when we talk in terms of the night out, being that uncontrolled crazy girl, although I have to say that I am setting my times to the English timings, and just few times I am going to bed after 3 in the morning. However, maybe I am lying a bit regarding personally changes. I think I am a bit colder and independent that I was before. I have learned that my twin soul is myself and that no one can understand me how I do myself .Long conversations with my subconscious trying to give both productivity and being my biggest supporter and my worst enemy. Sometimes we are hardest with ourselves than the rest of the world are. How cruel our mind can be sometimes. We still make the same mistakes than when we were 18, but now the pain goes fast or not. Or maybe you are so disappointed with some facts of the life that It won´t make any change on you.

25

Parece ser que ayer fue mi 25 cumpleaños. 25 años de vida o lo que llamamos un cuarto de siglo. Muchas cosas en la cabeza y muchas cosas que planear y cambiar. Ya no estoy en mis tempranos 20 y estoy casi más cerca de los 30. Ya no vale perder el tiempo, dar vueltas alrededor de todo. Todo lo que haga ahora tiene consecuencias y todo lo que empiece a conseguir desde ahora lo tendré a mis 30. Ciertamente lo que más me preocupa es mi carrera profesional, mis ganas de crecer profesionalmente y ahora mismo tengo un año en el que tengo que conseguir moverme a lo que quiero y empezar a trabajar duro para lograr el éxito profesional. El número 25 me hace pensar que llevo dos años en esta maravillosa ciudad, Londres, cuando llegué a mis 22 con una mano delante y la otra detrás, diciendo tengo un mes para encontrar trabajo. Todo eso paso un 14 de septiembre y al poco tiempo estaba celebrando mis 23 llena de ilusión y ganas de explorar esta ciudad. Quizás personalmente no me haya notado un cambio, sobre todo a lo que el mundo de la noche se trata, sigo siendo esa loca incontrolable, aunque he de decir que estoy amoldando horarios londinenses y ya pocas veces voy a la cama más tarde de las 3 de la mañana. Aunque bueno quizás miento un poco en lo de cambiar, creo que ahora soy un poco más fría y más independiente de lo que era antes. He aprendido que mi alma gemela soy yo y que nadie me entiende cómo yo a mi misma. Mis largas conversaciones con mi subconsciente intentando dar productividad y siendo tanto mi mayor apoyo como mi peor enemiga. Y es que a veces nosotros mismos somos más duros con nuestro ser que el resto del mundo. Que cruel puede ser a veces tu mente. Seguimos cometiendo los mismos errores que cuando teníamos 18, pero ahora el dolor quizás pasa antes, o no. O quizás ya a veces estás tan decepcionada con ciertos aspectos de la vida que nunca producirán ningún cambio en ti.

When we were five

Supongo que una de las razones por las que el número cinco es mi favorito, es porque cuando éramos cinco fue la etapa más feliz de mi vida y aun sigo rechazando cada día ese horrible número cuatro que me hace recordar que más uno seguiríamos siendo cinco… Hoy ha venido a mi recuerdo que dentro de cuatro días se cumple el 15 aniversario de que nos dejaste aquí y tú te fuiste aun me pregunto a dónde, miro al cielo pero el cielo es muy grande. Una fuente de rabia se apodera de todo mi cuerpo, y esta rabia año por año se va acentuando no sé si el paso del tiempo me hace darme cuenta que en realidad si que te fuiste y para no volver y que tengo que seguir caminando el resto de mi vida echándote de menos y recordándote con la misma edad cada día. Porque aquí abajo todos crecemos pero tú te quedaste en el número 17 para siempre. Recuerdo cada momento de ese año 1997 como si hubiera pasado ayer, cada palabra que cada persona dijo, como viví la situación en casa de la abuela, cuando todos me intentabais mantener ajenos a lo que estaba pasando. Pero siempre supe que algo gordo estaba pasando. Recuerdo el día en el que todos te esperábamos con los brazos abiertos a que volvieras de Pamplona pensando que sería la última vez que irías allí, porque yo no sabía que tenías pero si sabía que no quería que volvieras. Porque ese bultito que tenías que creí haberte causado yo cierto día peleando en casa se te hubiera ido para siempre. Pero eso nunca pasó, recuerdo como estando sentada en el sofá de la abuela en el salón principal la puerta se abrió y solo podía escuchar que la niña está en el hospital, que viniendo de vuelta le dolía mucho el estómago y hemos parado allí. Yo sólo preguntaba ¿ qué le pasa a María Eugenia, qué le pasa a mi hermana? a lo que todos con su mejor cara intentaban quitarle preocupación. Los días pasaban y yo me acuerdo que no paraba de preguntar que por que estaba tan mala, que algo grave le pasaba. Intentando hacerme desconectar de todo aquello pase unos días fuera de todo eso y llegó el día de volver a casa. Para mí ese día era el día más feliz del mundo, iba a volver a ver a mi hermana María Eugenia, íbamos en el coche dirección a casa y yo no paraba de decir ay voy a ver a mi hermana, ya está en casa, silencios incómodos, eran poco. Al abrir la puerta de aquélla que también era mi nueva casa y mi nueva vida, lo primero que pregunté era dónde estaba ella. Puedo recordar cómo estaba todo situado en mi casa, los mantelitos que estaban mis padres usando para comer, y como mi madre me dijo, que ella había muerto, y que mi consiguiente respuesta solo fue decir ¿Por qué si era tan joven? Abrazados en un mar de lágrimas nos pudimos pasar todo el día. El peor día de mi vida sin duda. Siempre me ha gustado hablar de ti, y quizás para muchos también era una situación incómoda pero siempre me he negado a dejarte en tabú o dejar preguntas sin respuesta en mi cabeza. Lo que más me preocupaba y miedo me daba de todo es que tú algún día te olvidaras de nosotros, porque yo tenía claro que siempre te iba a tener en mi mente. Así que abrazada a mamá en el patio un día le preguntaba que si ella pensaba que cuando nosotros nos muriéramos íbamos a estar juntos otra vez, que si nos recordarías o nos echarías de menos. Estas dudas siempre están y estarán en mí, porque me niego a pensar que ahí se separaron nuestras vidas para siempre. Y porque siempre la pregunta por qué tu? Porque nosotros? hará que mi corazón parezca que va a explotar. Porque hubiera dado mi vida tantas veces porque tú siguieras aquí.

Love at first sight

I can say that you were the last kind of love that I have felt and the first kind of love that I had felt in a long time. It has been almost two years since the first time I saw you, and I can exactly say how everything started and what was exactly my feelings. How something was moving in my stomach didn´t allow me to breath.

And it had been a long long time that I didn´t feel a love at first sight so deeply hard since I was an innocent teenager who had the first feelings for someone.

I crossed at the stairs and my eyes were following you up until your figure was disappearance at the end of them, and I could say that my heart was beating so hardly as never before, and even we were not have any chatting yet I knew that you were someone special as special was that day thinking about when it was going to be the next time that I was going to see again and if we were going to have the opportunity to talk.

It was the washing machine who had the culprit of our first chatting, stupid but for me still intense. I still remember the clothes that you were wearing that day and the nervous I could feel it at that time. I needed to impress you in a five minutes conversation. There was something different and all of that, something that I could only call love, love as never I felt before. I wanted to be with you no matter what even I didn´t know you at all but I wanted you since the first time to be mine, to be yours.

I can remember the first day that we went out together, and it was crowdie around us but we couldn´t stop to look at each other, gaze each other, smiling all the time and I could feel that it wasn´t only me.

At the end everything were reduced just to something that we could feel but we never felt, something that could happen that never happened. Something that I would say he was my true love but we will never know.